Letter from Agent 3469

Thursday, May 15, 2008 according to Their time. My human host has finally set me up with a satisfactory communication system known as Glob. Have not yet discovered how to connect a two way stream but for now, one-way shall have to do.

My first observation here was that our kind are completely unable to act of their own volition. Most often they are entrusted to the Small Ones who cannot control their bowels. Occasionally the older versions are seen toting our kind on their backs--for what purpose I cannot tell other than to establish dominance. My own human host was surprised, to say the least, when I initiated conversation. She accused me of ruined her quiche, whatever that may be, though I gather it doesn't belong on the Floo-or. I have yet to discern the mechanical discrepancy of my brethren here but will do some exploring. I beg that you be patient and wait for my answers.

Note: was forced to wear something known as "Seet-Belte." Am perturbed by this curious contraption. Have yet to discover whether it may prove to be an intrument of torture, or will indeed be a tool of auto-mottivey safety as my host has claimed. Have sent digital image of said invention.

I am certain that you can understand my hesitance. Please take note that my human host opted to call me "Putnam." I have no knowledge of the significance of this name. Be in mind that I have a great deal to recount after having been here for 6 months without any contact. Also note that I have convinced my host that I am a so-called proud to be American. Excellent suggestion regarding the embroidery on my chest, Agent 620, immortalizing one of their many large colonies. I will keep you posted.

Signing out,

Agent 3469

Alias: Putnam

Meet Putnam

Putnam, as you can see, is my friend.

As many people know, I work in Old Town Alexandria. Putnam had been out to lunch with a friend and decided to drop in on my unexpectedly. Normally I don't encourage having friends visit at work, but today was exceptionally slow so I decided to allow it.

He grew very antsy waiting for me to finish a phone call as he waited in the office chair.

I told him it might be a while, but he refused to leave. He said he'd eaten a big lunch and if he moved he might explode. I asked what he'd eaten. He told me an 8 ounce steak from the Outback, mini burgers from Chilis, and a bowl of Vietnamese Pho. I asked how he could possibly have time to fit all that into one lunch, and he told me, "Darling, lunch is what I do." Then he asked where he might pee as the Pho was apparently kicking in.

Isn't he charming? And so helpful too. I was struggling with my printer and he offered to help, having, as a said, a bachelor's degree in printers. He did his best, but in the end, the printer got the best of him.

Size has always been an issue for Putnam. This is, I belive, why he has always resented children so much, especially babies. So enormous compared to him, and so weak. He's very disdainful actually. I think the fact that I'm going to have one soon is the reason for his neglect to return my phone calls. I'm sure he'll come around soon.

My purpose here is merely to introduce him. He always insists on being heralded and I suppose it's his prerogative, being of noble blood and all. From now on I promise to be quiet and let his artistic genius pour forth. Whatever he says, I beg you, take with a grain of salt. He's truly cynical at times.

As a warning, Putnam really and truly believes he is from Florida, when in reality he's from a small factory in China. He absolutely refuses to believe that he isn't American by birth, and so friends know not to talk about it. When he points to the Florida on his chest and proclaims it "home, sweet home" please play along.